I rarely talk about
religion and when I do, most of the time I wind up deeply regretting it.
I’m not a “believer.”
At least not in any organized religion. I AM spiritual, in that I am a Deist. I
believe there is some organizing principle and some Creative Life Force or God
of some kind. I just don’t understand it, but I don’t have to. I mean, who
really understands concepts like “infinity,” or “eternity” and we throw those
terms around all the time. I have never hated religion, nor do I take any
offense at anyone else's beliefs, nor do I intend offense by my own lack
thereof.
I gave up on my
religion at about 11 years of age.
Back then (I’m OLD
now) the Catholic Mass was said in Latin, which may as well have been Sanskrit,
as far as I was concerned. Only the homily or sermon (whatever they call it)
was said in English. What really burned me up (as a kid) was how intently all
these adults, who I was pretty sure didn’t speak or understand Latin either,
followed the priest so attentively. I’d grouse, “Mr. Bevins speaks
Latin? Get out, judging from the way he speaks, he can barely understand
English.”
Most of what I
remember about Church was the day-dreaming. Yes, I had undiagnosed
ADD...probably ADHD, because I was pretty hyper as a kid too. Anyway, I didn’t
mind the day-dreaming so much because almost every time, I dreamed about me
being incredibly, fantabulously rich and living in a huge home under some ocean
(Hey, I was a kid!). But after awhile, I began to resent being mandated to
waste an hour or more day-dreaming every Sunday morning, so at 11 years of age,
I finally found the courage to ask my Dad if I could just stop going.
I asked after he made
one of his often inciteful musings about how, “The minute some people
get out of Church they can’t seem to wait to get back to being the bastards
they were the rest of the week, cutting people off on the way out of the Church
parking lot...” etc..
Dad acquiesced and I
happily stopped going to Church to listen to a Mass I didn’t understand. Now, I
didn’t become a full-fledged non-denominational Deist overnight, mind you, it
took a bit of time. AND (for the record) it wasn’t just the Latin thing, there
were all the weird teachings; an infant that died before being baptized being
forever doomed to a place called “Limbo,” and the idea that an “all forgiving,
all-knowing God,” who knew everything (presumably even what you and I will do
before we do it) would consign people to HELL forever...a place where both
Hitler and the kid who stole a cookie and lied about it would go.
As I grew and learned
about other religions, I found most of them even more outlandish than my own.
Like when I came
across Mormonism, founded by a guy named Joe Smith who allegedly found some
gold or gold-plated plates in some woods in upstate New York and then was
confronted by an apparition of John the Baptist, or some kitchen supplies
salesman who, I guess, was a dead ringer for John the Baptist.
I’m pretty sure I know
what happened from there. John the Baptist (or this kitchen supplies salesman)
told Joe Smith he could use the plates for a month at no cost and at the end of
that time could either keep them for $300 or return them “no questions asked.”
Moreover, IF Joe kept the plates, he could take this sales pitch on the road
(out West) and kind of franchise out this little plate selling scheme. You know
this kitchen supply salesman had to be Jewish, right? I mean (1) it fits the
mold (Jesus was Jewish, so was John the Baptist and that other John...and Mary
and Joseph) and (2) the best sales people are all Jewish. Anyway, unlike
someone like myself, who if I’d made 10 or 12 gold plates with some fancy
writing on them, I’d despair...like,“Ahh, what did I do now?! I always go
overboard! Who’s gonna buy a bunch of solid gold plates? What in the hell was I
thinking?” this salesman looked for a “hook.”
He came upon this
“religious experience” idea. Some might call it a scam, but it’s still an idea.
Anyway, the idea was to leave them in a regularly traveled wooded area, then
when a traveler begins picking them up, come out from behind a tree or bush or
whatever and spring this franchise deal on them. I’d never have come up with
such a great idea myself. I’d be too busy kicking my own ass off in some dark corner.
Joe Smith liked the
plates...a LOT, but he didn't have the three-hundred bucks! Hell,
people earned something like $5/week back then. So, old Joe came up with another
idea (scam...idea, what’s the diff?), only Joe’s idea was to skedaddle with the
plates and just head West. Hmmmm, I guess that IS a "scam," or at least a crime (like theft). Only Joe was wracked with guilt, which, oddly
enough, manifested itself in some kind of weird “religious conversion.” Yup,
Joe Smith started Mormonism, or the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day
Saints. Wow! Now that’s a mouthful, right there.
So anyway, the upshot
is that I couldn’t get into a religion started by a guy named Joe Smith, who
apparently picked up a bunch of gold plates and subsequently may have seen
either John the Baptist, or John the kitchen supplies salesman. I couldn’t do
it, but I honestly have no issue with anyone who does. After all, one of the
Mormon teachings is, “In Mormonism, life on earth is just a short part
of an eternal existence. Mormons believe that in the beginning all people
existed as spirits or "intelligences," in the presence of
God. In this state, God proposed a plan of salvation whereby
they could progress and "have a privilege to advance like himself." The
spirits were free to accept or reject this plan, and a "third" of
them, led by Satan rejected it. The rest accepted the plan,
coming to earth and receiving bodies with an understanding that they would
experience sin and suffering.
“In Mormonism, the
central part of God's plan is the atonement of Jesus Christ. Mormons
believe that one purpose of earthly life is to learn to choose good over evil.
In this process, people inevitably make mistakes, becoming unworthy to return
to the presence of God. Mormons believe that Jesus paid for the sins of the
world, and that all people can be saved through his atonement. Mormons
accept Christ's atonement through faith, repentance, formal covenants or
ordinances such as baptism, and consistently trying to live a Christ-like
life.”
Now that’s some pretty
cool sounding stuff, even though I still can’t buy a religion started by Joe
Smith...and a lot of the other views that Mormons supposedly believe.
Then I came upon a
religion that was started even AFTER Mormonism, called
Scientology. Unfortunately that one was started by a science fiction writer named L. Ron Hubbard. That breeds some skepticism right there. He was probably an arrogant kind of guy, who read through the Bible and wasn’t too
impressed with the stories and so far, I’m good with that. I mean the Bible isn’t
great literature to me, although apparently William Shakespeare would disagree.
At least that’s what a lot of English teachers claim...that Shakespeare’s works
are derivative of a bunch of Biblical stories. Then again, to some of them, EVERY story is
derivative of some Biblical story, in some way. For my money, if we look at
literature as some kind of verbal Rorschach test, then that view is an epic
fail. I mean, IF you can actually fail a Rorschach test, that’s a fail.
So, anyway, I’m
guessing that this guy Hubbard gets kind of steamed that the Bible has sold so
many more copies than every book this guy has ever written COMBINED. I’d have
pointed out to L. Ron that the Bible DID have a hell of a head start, but that
apparently either didn’t occur to Hubbard, OR he just resented a collection of what he saw as inferior writers so thoroughly kicking his proverbial writing ass.
So, L. Ron Hubbard
decided to, in effect, write his own Bible and start his own
religion...generally a REAL bad idea (think Jim Jones, Kim Jong Il and a bunch
of other crackpots). Anyway his major book Dianetics was initially made into a form of counselling or psychotherapy, which BOTH the American Medical Association and the American Psychological Association promptly rejected, so L. Ron shrewdly
declared war on psychiatry, claiming that, “the practice of psychiatry is destructive
and abusive and must be abolished.” Funny story, Kim Jong Il did
the very SAME thing.
Anyway, sometime
during the 1950s Hubbard started his “Church” in Camden, New Jersey, the garden
spot (in the garden state) for all budding new religions.
For awhile L. Ron
Hubbard actually inspired me. After all, I write some pretty crappy science
fiction too.....OK, I really don’t, but I DO aspire to writing crappy
SciFi...at least someday, whenever these creative juices really kick into overdrive.
But after a short
period, I gave up on that dream. I mean, who’s gonna follow me? I’ve never even
been to Camden!
But I haven’t totally
given up on belief systems, not at all. I think something inside all of us
struggles to understand (even if only in the most rudimentary way) what all
this means, why we’re here and all that.
So, lately I’ve come
across the idea of “Ancient Alien Origins!” That’s right, according to this great
TV show (called, appropriately enough, "Ancient Aliens")
humans were genetically created out of chimps or some other ancient primate by
these advanced ancient aliens. Yeah, at first blush, it sounds absolutely
ludicrous, I know, but how much more absurd is it than Catholicism, or
Calvinism, or Mormonism, for that matter?
In fact, it has a lot
going for it, in that it really would explain a lot. How about, “God obviously
doesn’t care about us. Why else would God let so much bad happen to so many
good people?” Ancient Alien Origins has an answer for that – “God
doesn’t know about us.” That’s right, God created these ancient
aliens and THEY created this talking ape...US. If you really get into
it, maybe God created earlier Ancient Aliens who created other "Ancient
Aliens" and they created us! WoW!
If that's the case, then somewhere along the line, God is probably gonna be
royally pissed! I mean, whenever this God gets around to finding out about all this.
Think about it and it
all begins to make perfect sense. These ancient aliens get all technologically
advanced, they’re cavorting around the universe, zooming through black holes
and as always happens affluence and technology combine to make them lazy and
self-centered. So, what do they do? Yeah, exactly what you and I would do, they
hunt around for a subspecies to genetically alter so it can do the mining, the
farming, basic transportation, the boring bookkeeping, maybe even some light
housekeeping, perhaps. Yeah that’s US! The GREAT homo sapiens!
We’re the only ones
who think we’re hot shit! And that’s only because we don’t know any better.
We’ve never met a more advanced species than ourselves, so we imagine ourselves
to be “top of the heap.”
I know what you’re
thinking, “If no one’s ever seen these ancient aliens, how do we know
that they exist?”
Good one...BUT that
just adds the critical component of “plausible deniability.” EVERY religion
needs that.
Oh yeah and another
good thing about ancient alien origins is that there’s no Church on Sunday, or
Saturday...or ANY other day AND you don’t so much pray, as you curl up into a
fetal position and HOPE (in abject terror) that you never run into one of these
super advanced ancient aliens.
The more I think about
it, it’s sort of a win-win...at least for me, right now.