Edward Cardinal Egan announces ten parishes closing in New York area

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Edward Cardinal Egan, the titular leader of the Archdiocese of New York announced the closing of ten New York area parishes today with this rather oddly worded explanation, “We could have just looked at the numbers, of how many people went to church every Sunday, how many Weddings, how many Funerals, how many Baptisms in each parish and made our calculations based on the numbers, but that’s not the way we did it.”

An odd statement indeed.

Especially in that it fails to mention exactly which, of any number of possible archane “ways” the Archdiocese DID use to determine which parishes would get shuttered.

In fact, it turns out that they used an ancient Catholic rite called Primata Feciata.

That’s where they put three monkeys in a small, windowless room with a large pile of feces and an oversized map of the area to be...uh...transformed.

Sure, it’s messy.

Sure it’s stinky too.

But it is crudely effective, not to mention a lot less stressful than say 54 straight hours of numbers crunching.

A spokesman for the three monkeys involved could not be reached for comment by this blog, because I don’t have that phone number.


(And yes, I do realize that I’m going to hell for this...or at least Washington, D.C.)